Book Review: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
For our summer read, our Bettering Communities Book Club read our eighth book - The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
Reactions to the Book
Our group that joined for the meeting (3 of 4) enjoyed the book and found that it offered a simple yet applicable theory we could implement in our personal and professional lives. The writing style was very accessible, and people appreciated that the chapters were short and digestible. The concept of “let them / let me” borrows from traditional Buddhist philosophies around detachment, Stoicism, and even sounds similar to some of the lessons of 12-step programs. One individual noted that the book reminded them of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourselves by Melody Beattie.
What Resonated Most With Us
Our group shared the perspective that we all wish to be less reactive to things happening around us - both in our personal and professional lives. The “let them” theory allows us to be more present and actively listen, without feeling responsible for fixing other people’s problems. Sometimes it’s okay to let people vent without jumping into solutions mode.
We noted that it is much more difficult to “let them” in a workplace setting. It’s not as simple as allowing our bosses or elected officials to make decisions that may land our organization in a sticky legal situation. One participant shared that rather than being the know-it-all in a meeting, she’ll use “let me” to add clarity and offer educational insights as a gentle nudge. She can’t control what others ultimately do, but she can provide resources to help guide them in a wise direction.
From a parenting perspective, some participants talked about letting our kids “fail” in small ways. By letting them choose their own direction on both small things (like outfits) and bigger things (like their college path, homecoming, or prom experiences), parents give them space to learn. The role of parents, then, is to let kids fail in small ways so that they avoid failing in bigger ways.
The Great Scattering and Going First in Forming Relationships
Author Robbins refers to the time when people reach their 20s as the period of “Great Scattering,” where friendships shift from a “group sport” to an individual one. People’s life trajectories change, and it can be very challenging to form new friendships. It is estimated that it takes 200+ hours to reach a level of depth in friendship - something much harder to achieve in adulthood than in childhood.
We discussed how comfortable (or uncomfortable) we are with the idea of “going first” - introducing ourselves, knocking on doors, and forming friendships with intention. Our comfort levels varied depending on our degree of introversion or extroversion. One participant noted that she sometimes feels self-conscious about having too many shallow relationships. But this, she realized, was a reflection of “letting them” - let others think what they will, because she knows she is a good friend who consistently shows up for the people in her life.
Jealousy Educates Us On What We Really Want
Robbins shared an example of being extremely jealous of a neighbor who was building an online identity as an interior designer. Seeing the social media posts sparked jealousy and even shock that someone could so boldly put themselves out there as a creator. But that jealousy pointed to how badly the non-poster wanted to do the same: to create an online identity and find success.
The things we are jealous of often point us toward what we truly want. How can we notice what makes us jealous, respond less reactively, and channel our energy into chasing that dream instead?
An inability to “let them” and fear of what others may think online often hold us back from pursuing what we want most. If we let go of the opinions and judgments of others (“let them think that!”) and focus our energy on what matters to us, we’re far more likely to reach our goals.
5-Second Rule
Another nugget of wisdom in the book is the idea of gently forcing ourselves to do things we resist by counting backwards from 5 seconds and then just doing it. One participant shared the example of the 14.4 project - dedicating 14.4 minutes each day to personal growth by tackling things that will move us forward as individuals. We also shared how we approach procrastination and dreaded tasks. Many of us were already using some version of the 5-second rule to get ourselves moving - whether to run, be more intentional with our morning routine, tackle chores, or handle office organization.
Plagiarism Scandal
We were not aware of the alleged plagiarism scandal surrounding Mel Robbins when this book was selected. While it is never appropriate to steal original ideas without crediting them, we noted that the “let them” concept is largely borrowed from other philosophies - such as Buddhism and Stoicism. We still gained value from the way this theory was packaged, but of course, we do not endorse plagiarism as alleged.
In Summary
Our group largely enjoyed this book and felt that it offered highly applicable approaches we could bring into our own lives. We could all benefit from being less reactive to the actions of others and focusing more on small, intentional steps that move us closer to our goals.
